In my local ‘litter picking and chat’ group, we have been experimenting with holding a space for connection and friendship. Here is something we have learned:
We have found that a talking stick is needed at most meetings.
A talking stick was originally an instrument of indigenous democracy. As it is passed around a group, only the person holding the stick is allowed to speak. Other rules or guidance can be agreed by the community as needed.
We have found that a talking stick allows each of us to talk more slowly… and carefully... about the things which are happening in our lives - without fear of interruption or an unsolicited reply.
We find that just feeling heard and accepted is very supportive.
It is interesting that at least one person finds it difficult to return the talking stick, as she feels a very strong compulsion to offer advice in response to the vulnerable difficulties in other people’s lives. We know from experience, though, that unwanted advice about other people’s situations can be deeply wounding.
I am told that this person described the talking stick as silly and unnecessary in the context of a conversation between friends. I am quite sure that, for me, it is neither of these things. It is a simple articulation of what group members need to feel safe to talk openly: a boundary.
My learning from this is that boundaries can be necessary and kind, so long as they are explained clearly and gently at the beginning. They can help us learn to share the space more fairly.
Quaker Restoring Relations, a small group of Quakers from within Britain Yearly Meeting, exists with the aim of helping Friends equip themselves to hold differences that may be contentious or hard to address in a more loving way (paraphrased from their webpage).
At their (Quaker) Restoring Relations* Conference on 7th March in Bristol, care was taken at the start to describe ‘a safe brave space’ to allow participants to talk openly. I have realised that the alternative to a safe brave space is not a seemingly '”friendly enough'” space as I had previously thought; this kind of space can be an unsafe space for many people.
For me, there is a link between truth-seeking, creating safe brave spaces, and our testimony to equality.
* https://restoringrelations.org/
Jo Cooper